Your Child's Imaginary Friend Isn't a Red Flag. It's a Sign of Something Good.

There's an extra seat in the car today. You're told not to sit on it, because Pip is there, and Pip gets carsick if people squash him.

At dinner, a place is set for someone named Barnaby, who is nine, lives in the garage, and, according to your four-year-old, "doesn't like peas either." You've started closing doors gently so you don't "hurt anyone's tail."

Many parents hit this stage with a quiet, uneasy question. Is this normal? Is my child lonely? Should I be worried?

For the vast majority of children, the answer is reassuring: this is normal, it's healthy, and it may even be a sign that something is developing right on schedule.

How common is it?

More common than most people think. Studies of children's pretend play have found that a majority of children, depending on how it's measured and defined, have created an imaginary companion at some point by around age seven. The companion might be a person, an animal, a monster or a toy that has come to life. Some children invent a whole cast.

It peaks in the preschool and early school years, and it shows up in children from all kinds of families, including those with siblings and plenty of friends. Loneliness can play a role for some children, but it isn't the typical explanation.

What's actually going on in your child's mind

Creating and sustaining an imaginary friend is a surprisingly sophisticated mental feat. A child has to invent a character with a personality, remember its quirks, keep track of what it wants, and hold two realities in mind at once: the world as it is, and the world as they've imagined it.

Researchers who study this have noted some associations that are worth knowing about, while keeping in mind that correlation isn't causation:

Social understanding. Children with imaginary companions often show strong skills at understanding other people's perspectives, perhaps because they practise it constantly.

Language and storytelling. Inventing dialogue and narratives gives children a lot of verbal practice.

Emotional processing. Imaginary friends frequently serve as a safe outlet. A child who is nervous about the dentist might have a friend who's very brave about it, or one who's scared and needs comforting. Taking care of someone else's feelings is often a way of working through their own.

Creativity. Not surprisingly, sustained pretend play is a workout for the imagination.

And importantly, children who have imaginary friends know the difference between pretend and real. They aren't confused. They're playing, and they usually know it, even when they insist otherwise with great conviction.

What imaginary friends often do for kids

Provide comfort. Many children turn to an imaginary friend at bedtime or during stressful moments.

Offer a scapegoat. Barnaby did it is a classic. It's a developmentally normal way of testing responsibility and consequences, and it deserves a calm response, not a crisis.

Give them control. Children's lives are full of adults making decisions. An imaginary friend is someone they can boss around, which feels good.

Help them rehearse. Scenarios like a new school, an argument or a medical appointment can be played out safely.

How to respond

Be warm and curious, not dismissive. Tell me about Pip! What does he like to eat? Showing interest tells your child their imagination is welcome.

Go along with it, within reason. You don't need to set a place at the table or buckle in an empty seat, but a bit of good-humoured accommodation is harmless and meaningful to your child.

Don't push the "it's not real" conversation. Your child almost certainly knows. Forcing the point rarely helps and can feel like a rejection of something they enjoy.

Hold your boundaries on behaviour. If Barnaby "made" your child draw on the wall, the consequence is still your child's. You can say, calmly, I know Barnaby had the idea, but you're the one who drew it, so you're the one who will help clean it up.

Use the friend as a window. What your child says about their companion can reveal their worries and interests. If the friend is frightened of something, there's a chance your child is, too. You can ask, What would help Pip feel better? and gently learn from the answer.

Be careful with teasing. Even affectionate jokes, especially in front of others, can make a child feel embarrassed and shut the door on sharing.

When it's worth a closer look

For most children, imaginary friends fade on their own as school, friendships and real-world interests take over. It may be worth a conversation with your pediatrician or a child psychologist if:

• Your child seems unable to tell the difference between pretend and real, even at an age when this is expected
• The imaginary friend is frightening, abusive or encourages harmful behaviour
• Your child is distressed, withdrawn or isolated from real peers
• The behaviour appears alongside other significant changes, such as sleep or mood changes, or significant stress

These situations are uncommon, and they are generally part of a bigger picture rather than a concern about the imaginary friend alone.

The reframe worth keeping

An imaginary friend isn't a sign that something is missing. In most cases, it's evidence that something is flourishing: a mind that can invent, empathise, rehearse and play with ideas.

So make room at the table, mind the tail, and ask what Barnaby thinks of the peas. You're not indulging a quirk. You're watching a very capable imagination at work.

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